I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
