Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
