i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
