i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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