are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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