it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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