If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
