Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize