you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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