So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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