My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
