Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
