The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
