I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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