Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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