Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
