You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
