I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
