now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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