Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize