You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
