One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize