Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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