So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
