Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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