Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
