Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
