I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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