bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
