i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
