porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I need to stop coming to work sober
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
