I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
