I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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