so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
