ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
