Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize