After last night, I could never be a politician.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
How external is "for external use only"?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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