Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
