That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
