Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize