My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
