I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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