my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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