nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
