I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
