you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
