I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
