But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We need to get me chipped asap
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
