dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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