Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
