The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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