Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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