I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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