Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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