Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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