Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
