I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize