I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
