Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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