oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
