i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
