god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
