This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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