Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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