just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
