Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
